The following article appeared in the September 2006
issue of the Baha'i Parenting Newsletter, available at bahaiparent.com.
The author, Raelee Peirce, was kind enough to permit a copy
of the article to be hosted here at doberman pizza.
Our world and our Bahá’í community are in
trouble. Our Bahá’í youth are struggling in
a culture that over-emphasizes the sex impulse. We are fooling
ourselves as Bahá’í parents if we aren't aware
that our youth are having sexual experiences and they are feeling
a great sense of shame and guilt and even leaving the Faith due
to their feeling of unworthiness after breaking this law. Somehow
as parents we are failing our children because we aren't communicating
the beauty and joy of sex within the marriage relationship. Perhaps
we are waiting until our children turn into pre-youth or even
youth before we decide to tell them "don't have sex outside
of marriage."
A list of "Do-Nots" is not a great way to inspire or
create acceptance of this law. Instead, we should be emphasizing
the joy of sex and what a fantastic gift it is within the marriage
relationship when our children are young. We need to share with
our preschoolers the idea of marriage and we need to discuss the
concept of finding a husband or wife when our children are in
grade school rather than entertaining the idea of boyfriends and
girlfriends. We need to create a family culture that does not
include our children or youth engaging in frivolous boy-girl relationships.
For example, when a six-year-old talks about "liking"
another of the opposite sex, one should not consider it cute and
exclaim to others that Jamal has a little girlfriend. As a Bahá’í
parent we need to say, "Jamal, it's wonderful that you like
Emma; it's great to have lots of friends. One day when you are
much older you will find a girl to be your wife and have a beautiful
Bahá’í family!"
My three-year-old daughter loves Cinderella and anything to do
with princesses. Recently we were staying at a hotel on a mini-vacation
and we saw a bride with her wedding party in the lobby. My husband
took Isabel over to see the “princess” and to her
delight the bride smiled at her and said, “Do you like my
princess dress?” We use any opportunity we can to share
with her the joy and the excitement around marriage and being
married.
When we consistently refer to boy-girl relationships as a marriage
relationship through the young years and the expectation of our
family standard is that boyfriends and girlfriends aren't relevant,
then it isn't a part of our child's context even when it is part
of their world at school. Potential husbands and wives are the
more acceptable concept. In this context, a young boy or girl
is not likely to start seeking a marriage partner!
The middle school years are difficult for our children and some
are following the lead of their peers. A life of secrecy and hiding
becomes part of the way our young adolescents are living. Many
of our youth have boyfriends and girlfriends and end up emotionally
hurt over and over again through these immature romances that
primarily revolve around game-playing, manipulation, and physical
contact. By the time they are in high school, sex is no longer
a mystery and is considered an acceptable part of a relationship.
Today, oral sex is as common as kissing amongst teens because
it is not considered to be sex.
Once our youth are in college disconnecting from the Bahá’í
Faith is all too common. Some of our Bahá’í
college students are inactive in the Faith because they are engaging
in the college scene of sex and parties. Rather than feel like
a hypocrite, they leave the Faith. They continue to date primarily
non-Bahá’ís so they do not feel judged about
their behavior and continue accumulating emotional wounds from
the starts and break-ups of falling in out of love/lust/attraction.
Once married, sustaining a long-term, committed relationship is
about being fulfilled by another person, rather than serving the
Cause of God. Should their spouse not be able to make them happy
anymore, infidelity, unhappiness, and even divorce may result.
It is so important that we unconditionally love our children,
even when they make mistakes. None of us are perfect Bahá’ís.
Just because we love and accept our child who has made a mistake,
we are not saying that breaking God's law is okay. Judgment and
consequences to the laws of God are left to God. As a community
we must envelop our young people with love, not criticism. We
all have our burdens to bear because of mistakes we have made.
Each of us is developing our own relationship with God and we
will answer to God. It isn't necessary for parents to be unsupportive
toward their children. This only has detrimental affects. God
is the All-Merciful, the All-Forgiving. To go through life feeling
guilty and shamed for our mistakes, only encourages making more
mistakes or withdrawing more and more from God.
Our only message to our youth continues to be "don't do it"
or "be chaste." This is unacceptable and will not protect
or inculcate the love of God in the hearts of our children and
youth. Attending Feast, Holy Days and Bahá’í
classes may assist some, but even this is not always enough to
create a child or youth who desires to serve their Lord, dedicate
their lives to Bahá’u’lláh, or become
a champion of the Cause. So, what are some ideas? How can we better
help instill the love of God?
Attend Bahá’í activities and events regularly.
Celebrate Baha'i Holy Days, pray, memorize prayers and writings,
sing songs (especially when your children are young). Create
Bahá’í traditions. This builds a Bahá’í
identity.
Engage your young children in discussions about life - marriage,
the power of prayer and guidance in your own life.
Model a joyful, happy Bahá’í marriage!
Stay positive about the institutions of the Faith, Fasting,
and daily prayer.
Stay positive about life in general and share often your
own struggles and how God assists you to get through.
When appropriate, discuss the wonder and joy of sex when
it is between two married persons. Share that the law of chastity
is not to punish us or deny us joy, but it is a protection to
us so that we have clarity and sound judgment. Tell your children
and youth how sex can cloud their vision in a relationship or
bring about unplanned pregnancies or disease.
Share your high expectations and talk about trusting your
child and/or youth.
Learn the stories of the Old Testament and tell them regularly
to your children and youth. These stories describe how God works
and tell of his love, mercy, and judgment. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá
encourages us as parents to teach our children through stories!
Talk about being a champion for God's Cause, standing up
for what is right and just in the world. Create rebels who are
willing to stand up against corruption and immorality! We want
to be heroes for God not enemies of God's Cause. Be a warrior
of what is True and of what is Just!
Get support from other Bahá’í parents.
So, we've done all of this. God willing, we have chaste children,
chaste pre-youth, and chaste youth. The sexual impulse begins
between 11-13 years old and now our 18-year-old is going off to
college. They have been chaste for five to seven years already.
Now we hope that they will remain chaste through four years of
college, and even some parents believe that their child should
not think of marriage until after graduate school or professional
school. So, now we have an individual in their late 20's or even
early 30's who is chaste and finally has found a marriage partner.
Is this realistic? Is this even healthy? And no wonder we are
met with astonishment from non-Baha'is when we explain that our
29-year-old or 32-year-old needs parental consent to get married!
Did Bahá’u’lláh establish the consent
law because he didn't believe that adults could manage this decision?
Could it be that the consent law was given to us because it was
intended to protect our children from making a poor marriage choice
when they are young?
The beloved Guardian wrote, "Outside of marital life there
can be no lawful or healthy use of the sex impulse. The Bahá’í
youth, on the one hand, be taught the lesson of self-control,
which when exercised, undoubtedly has a salutary effect on the
development of character and personality in general, and on the
other, should be advised, nay, even encouraged to contract marriage
while still young and in full possession of their physical vigor.
Economic factors, no doubt, are often a serious hindrance to early
marriage, but in most cases are only an excuse, and as such should
not be overstressed." From Unrestrained as the Wind, Shoghi
Effendi, page 149. [1]
What about the age of 15 being the age of spiritual maturity?
Bahá’u’lláh states that this is an age
suitable for marriage. Is that realistic in our culture? Is that
just for the future? Certainly most 15-year-olds aren't ready
to get married. However, perhaps as Bahá’í
parents we should be encouraging our youth to attend Bahá’í
activities, conferences, and Bahá’í schools
with an open mind to finding a spouse. It is during their youth
that they will meet the most Bahá’ís and have
the most opportunity to find a spiritual connection. Attending
college together as a young married couple, perhaps living with
parents for financial and emotional support, sounds strange, inappropriate,
or unacceptable. On the other hand, it could be a way of protecting
our young people and creating strong marriages. This approach
requires strong parental support. By encouraging our youth to
wait for marriage, we are buying into the cultural norm. Our culture
accepts pre-marital sex, companionate marriage, and serial monogamy
because our culture is becoming more wary of the institution of
marriage. As Bahá’ís, we are agreeing with
the idea that marriage should be after education and in some cases
should be considered when the individual is financially independent
and stable. It is unrealistic to expect our youth to wait 20 years
before they experience intimacy or a relationship. Our message
is confusing and we will see more and more youth possibly leaving
religion behind.
Just because we encourage young marriage, doesn't mean our youth
would become indiscriminate. On the contrary, by putting the male/female
relationship into a marriage context, our youth may become more
responsible, mature, and more "choosy" of their significant
other. They may become more focused on their education at a young
age, free from the burden of boy-girl games since marriage is
not appropriate for a high school student! But between 18-25 years
of age, more Bahá’í marriages could be taking
place with the financial and emotional support and guidance of
parents.
As a Bahá’í community who wants to create
dedicated children and youth to the Cause of God for this day
and encourage and support strong marriages and family life, we
must dialogue about working toward our goals.
The Triangle Bahá’í Cluster of North
Carolina in the U.S. formed a Bahá’í Marriage
Support Team based on the New York City Marriage Task Force model.
The team is comprised of dedicated Bahá’ís
and sponsored by a Local Spiritual Assembly. The team meets regularly
to deepen on the Writings around marriage as well as other resources
that assist them in providing support and guidance to single,
married, and divorced community members. For more information
about starting a Marriage Support Team in your area, contact mst@trianglebahai.com.
Raelee Peirce is a PCI Certified Parent Coach and Parent
Educator and serves on the Triangle Bahá’í
Marriage Support Team. She and her husband Glenn are raising their
two young children with the loving support of her parents in a
home they all built together in North Carolina, U.S.A. Their idea
of all living together is, like they say in Hawaii, “Ohana”
or the idea of living with your extended family! If you would
like parenting support, visit her website at http://www.artofmothering.com
for more information.
[1]: From a letter dated 13
December 1940 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer. Also included in the compilation "A Chaste and
Holy Life" (link).
