fear and weakness, courage and strength

the longer i stay here in this strange town in the middle of the forest with very few job prospects and little security, the more people tell me how much courage and strength i have. and it’s true. this is taking all the courage and strength that i have… much of which i didn’t know i had.

i’m afraid. i’m scared. i don’t know what my next step will be sometimes. every now and then i get into this state of mind where i’m just not sure what’s going to happen, and it’s not even that evident that i have any safety net at all… where do i go? what do i do? what am i doing here anyway? who am i? where am i? why am i here? dear God, what in the world am i doing here? why did you put me here in this place, in semi-rural Quebec, surrounded by trees and cows? i have a B.Sc. in computer science… why did you put me here in this hunk of farmland?

in a way i can answer that question for myself. i am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. nothing else matters. not whether i like His will or understand His will or agree with His will or feel like carrying out His will or anything like that. none of that matters. I am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. He has put me here to change my fear into courage, to change my weakness into strength, to change my abasement into exaltation, to bring me from shame to grace. that’s what I’m doing here. Through His grace I will come to realize that He is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

after all, I sure as hell wouldn’t have put myself out on this pile of rocks.

no offense intended, of course. it’s really quite a nice town 😉

news

so, just to let you all know, i got re-evaluated at work today (since my training period was up), and they decided not to keep me on. i met with my boss today and we had a good talk about it. he explained why i was being let go, and we reached an understanding. he even suggested to me where i could direct my steps to get better work. i won’t go through all the details here, but just to say that i’m now gainfully unemployed, that i left on good terms, and that i have lots of options open to me. i plan to join up with the local job research club and see if i can find something a lot better.

sometimes God does weird things. and we may grumble and curse and moan at the outset, but generally, once we accept it, we see that those weird things are exactly what we needed in order to grow. more news as it comes in. i’m happy.

trials

through no fault of my own, I was given this life to live, these faults, these lacks, these wants. these myriad imperfections are slowly, one by one, being exposed, dug up and rooted out by the tests of God. God must want me to become real strong and really well-developed, because the tests just don’t stop coming.

it’s nice that I can be positive overall. I don’t think I’d have much if I couldn’t. I guess positive doesn’t necessarily mean happy, either, because I’m certainly not happy at the moment. maybe that’s because I have the wrong definition of happiness. it’s always best to be content with the will of God. nothing else works for the highest and best good of all concerned.

i’m not happy right now because I’d rather everything be simple and easily within my grasp. of course, if everything was that easy, I’d never progress or get anywhere. and I have a lot of progress to make. if there’s anything I’ve learned on seven months of service so far, it’s that I have a long way to go. there seems to be only one real way to be happy, and that’s to be content with what God has ordained. otherwise, there’s always some calamity that pulls you down and messes you up.

I’ll get this. It’s going to take more than just a year to get this stuff down pat. I’ll get it.

all i have are my prayers

the tears cried in silence
drop from my cheeks,
and fade into the haze.

the hand that dried these tears is long gone
and this strange land offers no relief,
no respite, no calm,
only trials, only tests,
only bitter toil and grief.

memories and dreams of better days
flap in the wind, flutter like moths
and in a gust are blown away.

oh Job, oh patience,
what has become of you?
we were best friends once,
but now all have fallen,
and I stand alone,
or rather slump,
crumpled in the corner.

perhaps I never told you
how much I loved you.
perhaps I never knew
until you were gone.

ere long will this city of exile
surely be a city of light,
but in the meantime
I am shrouded in night,
unbefriended,
abandoned.

in this midnight hour
I close my eyes and sit still
and all I have are my prayers.

i always wanted to be… a lumberjack!

oh, if I were not a-serving here

something else I’d like to be

if I were not a pi-o-neer

an engine driver, me!

with a chuff-chuff-chuff

and a chuff-chuff-chuff

and a chuff-chuff all day long,

with a chuff-chuff-chuff

and a chuff-chuff-chuff

I’d sing this merry song.

feeling a little less patient today… oh well… it won’t last 😉