figuring out this stuff

This is kind of on the same thread as my last post. I’ve been doing some pretty intensive thinking of late. Way back when I started my year of service I made an agreement with myself: I am not going to start any new romantic relationships until the year is up. This is my time to serve God, and to come to know myself and understand myself better so that, when I eventually do find someone I’m interested in, I have something to work with. I had realized that much of my life was spent without examining myself. Well, that’s not completely true. I definitely criticized myself and got all down about my faults, but I never did anything to better myself. I think it all started to change the moment I was willing to admit when I was wrong. I never used to like admitting that. It sucks when you’re wrong, right? Sure. But sometimes life sucks. And life sucks even worse when you won’t even consider that you could be doing something in a better way. That was what I needed to consider for myself (and not for others, of course — Bahá’u’lláh doesn’t condemn fault-finding for nothing).

So, yeah, back to relationships. I bet most of you didn’t know that about me. Yeah, I’m taking it easy from girlfriends for the whole year. Gonna find myself out in the woods! Seriously though, I realized that the more I kept looking for someone, which I would do with way too little detachment, the less I would be inclined to work on my own problems. And there are problems, boy, there’s filing cabinets full! Everyone’s got their own, right? Anyway, trying to scout around for a girlfriend was almost a way of escaping my responsibility to know my own self, to deal with these things that are sticking around in my subconscious.

I wonder if any of you actually knew I was looking for a girlfriend before. I practically never mentioned it. That was another one of those things that I bottled up, again probably because I grew up thinking it wasn’t okay to talk about.

Once, me and a couple of friends were hanging out and we started talking about dating. I felt totally out of my element because I never talked about that sort of thing. That was the first time I realized there was something up with that. Anyway, one of them said, what good is it to wait in silence, trying to figure out whether you like someone before you ask them out on a date? Wouldn’t it be a whole lot better to do that figuring out with the other person, so that you could both have the opportunity to figure each other out? I remember thinking, hmm. That seems to make sense. I guess I would do that if I felt it was okay to talk about dating, right?

Talking about this feels a little bit wierd, understandably, but as I go on, it’ll become less and less wierd, until finally it ain’t no thing.

You know, (on an unrelated subject), the down side about working at the coffeeshop is that when I come home, my clothes all smell like roasted coffee beans. It REEKS.

life is more than…

Hi everybody. No work today, so I stayed home, slept in, and did some odd jobs around the house: took my bike in for the winter (with its chronic flat tire and all), made phone calls, and more.

So overall, things are good. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life, where I’ve come from, and what I want to do with it. With most of my friends, I’m always upbeat, positive, like nothing’s ever wrong… I never really took the time to express myself when things actually were going wrong. What a terrible injustice, bottling up pain and sadness like that. I deserve to express it. I don’t know where I got the idea that I didn’t.

So, to all my friends: hey guys, there’ve been a lot of times in the past where I’ve been feeling completely in the dumps and terrible, and I denied it. From now on I’ll make effort not to do that. So when you ask me how I’m feeling, and I’m feeling awful, you’ll know it!

Here’s another thing I’ve always bottled up: sexuality. I don’t know how many times I’ve been really attracted to someone and just refused to admit it or acknowledge it. Maybe because I thought there was something wrong with talking or thinking about sex. Nobody ever really talked about it in my family when I was growing up, and maybe that gave me the idea that it wasn’t okay to talk about it. Well now, guess what? Sexuality is a very relevant part of my life right now. I want to learn how to relate to members of the opposite sex, in a chaste and healthy way of course, but without bottling up the natural drive that’s inside me, the one that God gave me… there’s got to be a way to integrate the two in positive ways, and damned if I’m not going to find it! Call it preparation for marriage, if you will.

Not that I’m planning to get married any time soon. With a part-time job bagging coffee? Hah!

I wonder how a Bahá’í deals with meeting a really, really attractive person and still having to act in a chaste and detached manner. I think it deals in a big way with acceptance — accepting that the ensuing hormone rush is a natural part of being human, but that part of being human is having the choice to reflect divine attributes instead of acting just like an animal. That sounds right.

I hope to receive comments on this one 😉 peace out y0.