still feeling pretty down and blah. many thanks to the friends who sent little notes of concern and encouragement over the past few days. it seems like I’ve got a case of the winter blues. sad. or maybe SAD. oh well. if that’s the case, at least it’s good news to hear that I’m not clinically depressed. I just need more serotonin yum yum. and I probably need to cut out some of the sweets from my diet (i.e. no more homemade prozac).
The Rideau Canal‘s open, which means the outdoor skating rinks must be open too. Whoever wants to do some skating around, drop me a line. I’ll probably break out my skates and have some fun on the canal soon – gotta remember to get them sharpened. Skiing would be great, too – Catherine just went out to Mont Cascades with friends over the weekend, and apparently it was great.
sigh. still feeling blah and still got my head in some grey clouds. I’m gonna go dump my hot chocolate and get some plain old water. that might help me flush some of the chemicals out of my body.
I’m thinking I should redo the experiment I did a while back, and take some more time to reach out in friendship, to connect with the people around me and to get to know them a little better. last time I tried it, it seemed to have some positive effects on my life in general. I feel like there’s still a lot I have to learn about what friendship really means and how it works – although I’ve come a long way in the past few years. Anyway.
I haven’t been feeling at my best since the new year – physically or spiritually. feeling kind of slow, kind of depressed, kind of achy and a little out of breath. I haven’t been sneezing or coughing or running a fever, so it’s not a cold or the flu or anything. I don’t feel like I’ve been doing all that much, either. I’ve been getting sleep, but I have the same run-down feeling as I get when I pull a string of all-nighters. Sure, I stayed up late over the holidays, but they’re long gone – you’d think I would have recovered by now. But instead I feel like my insides – especially my lungs, heart and the rest of my upper body – have been rolled over by a squadron of tanks. It’s almost like the feeling I got a couple years back when I got exhausted and depressed from pushing myself too hard (a daily commute from Drummondville to Bécancour over an icy highway, among other things) back then it was really bad, though – I would get home and fall right asleep on my couch. It was really difficult because I didn’t have friends who would pop in and visit me, either. Except for the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons, though. But they always wanted to talk about getting saved. To heck with getting saved, help me just breathe.
It’s weird being depressed. You don’t feel like doing anything that’s fun or interesting or in any way good for you. You just want to be alone with your thoughts, and most of those thoughts are about how awful things are. Depression is really frustrating – you know you need to lighten up, you just can’t figure out how. If you haven’t been through it, it’s hard to understand.
Maybe I’ve been gradually getting depressed without realizing it. if so, that means I need to take some action and reach out to avoid falling into a funk. man. how did this happen? oh well – shoot first, ask questions later. it’s chocolate time.
btw, you’re all invited to my “don’t be sad” party. we’ll figure out when and where later.
Joy gives us wings! In times of joy our strength is more vital, our intellect keener, and our understanding less clouded. We seem better able to cope with the world and to find our sphere of usefulness. But when sadness visits us we become weak, our strength leaves us, our comprehension is dim and our intelligence veiled. The actualities of life seem to elude our grasp, the eyes of our spirits fail to discover the sacred mysteries, and we become even as dead beings.
There is no human being untouched by these two influences; but all the sorrow and the grief that exist come from the world of matter—the spiritual world bestows only the joy!
MONTREAL (CBC) – Health authorities are dealing with the province’s first case of the deadly hantavirus. A man from Nicolet contracted the disease in a forest area just north of Trois-Rivières last year.
I’m going by trois-rivières soon, too. I guess I’ll make sure not to breathe in any mouse poop.
Lacoursière says Quebecers shouldn’t be too concerned, because precautions can be taken. The disease is carried by mice, humans can only be infected when they breathe the virus in, usually through dust containing mouse feces.
my cold is slowly going away the more I drink water and juice and so on – yay. my sore throat isn’t sore anymore. that’s not really the virus I was talking about, though. the little Pentium 60 MHz that’s been lying around in the corner of my room had a virus in it – W32/Swen@mm, to be precise. I only just found out today, after leaving it out of commission for about, oh, six months? It’s fixed now. yay! I get to have a little machine to work with for my upcoming contract 😉 Ok, granted, a 60-MHz Pentium I rates at about the same level as a toaster oven or a furby by today’s standards, and yes, I know I will have to switch to a newer computer, but hey, at least I have a little toy to play with for a bit and I don’t have to rush too much into buying a PC. BTW, if anyone’s selling a cheap computer (like, Pentium 2 350 MHz and upwards), let me know.
And lastly, here’s the phattest sign hack in the world:
for the past two days I’ve been basically stuck inside my apartment on sick leave because every time I try to walk somewhere or do something, I get tired. wednesday after work I tried to do some grocery shopping… man… I could barely keep walking. I ended up dozing off with my head stuck in some nuts (individual plastic tubs of nuts in the bulk food section). just about the only thing I can do is lie down on my couch/bed/futon and snooze and think about how tired I am. good thing there’s a phone and internet service nearby or I’d be bored out of my head. I guess I could watch movies, too. There’s that three-hour-long “Jesus” movie that someone loaned to me and that I still haven’t watched. I dunno. I think I’d have to be in a rather particular mood to watch that one.
anyway. this isn’t “normal” tiredness, would you agree? I mean, after a day of sitting upright in front of a computer at work, I get home and bam – no energy whatsoever. motionless 65-kg lump.
Hadi (muh bro) will be going to Halifax next week (read about it on Tamara’s website). He was in Saskatoon last week. Damn that’s cool. It must be nice working for the National Gallery. You get to go all over Canada in planes and stay in nice hotels. Zea (Hadi and Tamara’s daughter) is around thirteen months old now and is saying things – disconnected things, but definitely things. Apparently she likes to sit on Hadi when he gets home. hehehe. Ayyam-i-Há is coming up (in a month!)… perhaps a nifty gift for a nifty niece is in order. Giving gifts is fun. Especially when nobody’s in the malls because the Christmas season was months ago.
I’m getting tired (grrrr) so I’ll see you all around. everything is just upside down and sideways… whatever this malady is, I hope it’s gonna go away. hopefully it’s some combination of stress, weather, cold, and fairy dust. anyway. let’s be positive and optimistic. sunshine and lollipops. blue flowers. TUBS OF ICE CREAM HO HO HO
had a fever of around 102 yesterday, dizziness, just generally messed up. it’s gone down today. phlegmy chest cough, runny nose, congestion, headaches. damn flu. grrrr. arrgghh. grumble grumble. oh well. at least I didn’t catch Ebola, or flesh-eating disease, or AIDS. There’s always a sunny side to life isn’t there?
anyway, I’m gonna be preparing myself to go back home tomorrow. I’ll be taking Monday off at work to continue recuperating. I did some banking today. I think I should be okay to handle the fallout from the accident – I just hope there’s no legal wrangling owing to the fact that the car was leased. I checked my messages tonight, and my insurance company called on christmas eve (!) to tell me the inspector had passed to see my car (!!!), and that the car is repairable (woohoo). great! now I get to take advantage of the services of Mr. Hertz in St-Hyacinthe – the guy who has connections at the Toyota dealership. yum yum.
I get the feeling I’m going to look back at all this and laugh. This has been the most out-of-control vacation I’ve ever had. It starts out with a car accident, ends with a flu, and each day I have no clue what I’m going to be doing. I think it’s done me some good. I mean, even when things are almost totally out of my control, everything still turns out all right. Thanks, God.