grey blahs and piles of snow for skiing

rue saint-louisstill feeling pretty down and blah. many thanks to the friends who sent little notes of concern and encouragement over the past few days. it seems like I’ve got a case of the winter blues. sad. or maybe SAD. oh well. if that’s the case, at least it’s good news to hear that I’m not clinically depressed. I just need more serotonin yum yum. and I probably need to cut out some of the sweets from my diet (i.e. no more homemade prozac).

The Rideau Canal‘s open, which means the outdoor skating rinks must be open too. Whoever wants to do some skating around, drop me a line. I’ll probably break out my skates and have some fun on the canal soon – gotta remember to get them sharpened. Skiing would be great, too – Catherine just went out to Mont Cascades with friends over the weekend, and apparently it was great.

sigh. still feeling blah and still got my head in some grey clouds. I’m gonna go dump my hot chocolate and get some plain old water. that might help me flush some of the chemicals out of my body.

I’m thinking I should redo the experiment I did a while back, and take some more time to reach out in friendship, to connect with the people around me and to get to know them a little better. last time I tried it, it seemed to have some positive effects on my life in general. I feel like there’s still a lot I have to learn about what friendship really means and how it works – although I’ve come a long way in the past few years. Anyway.

feeling blah

I haven’t been feeling at my best since the new year – physically or spiritually. feeling kind of slow, kind of depressed, kind of achy and a little out of breath. I haven’t been sneezing or coughing or running a fever, so it’s not a cold or the flu or anything. I don’t feel like I’ve been doing all that much, either. I’ve been getting sleep, but I have the same run-down feeling as I get when I pull a string of all-nighters. Sure, I stayed up late over the holidays, but they’re long gone – you’d think I would have recovered by now. But instead I feel like my insides – especially my lungs, heart and the rest of my upper body – have been rolled over by a squadron of tanks. It’s almost like the feeling I got a couple years back when I got exhausted and depressed from pushing myself too hard (a daily commute from Drummondville to Bécancour over an icy highway, among other things) back then it was really bad, though – I would get home and fall right asleep on my couch. It was really difficult because I didn’t have friends who would pop in and visit me, either. Except for the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons, though. But they always wanted to talk about getting saved. To heck with getting saved, help me just breathe.

It’s weird being depressed. You don’t feel like doing anything that’s fun or interesting or in any way good for you. You just want to be alone with your thoughts, and most of those thoughts are about how awful things are. Depression is really frustrating – you know you need to lighten up, you just can’t figure out how. If you haven’t been through it, it’s hard to understand.

Maybe I’ve been gradually getting depressed without realizing it. if so, that means I need to take some action and reach out to avoid falling into a funk. man. how did this happen? oh well – shoot first, ask questions later. it’s chocolate time.

btw, you’re all invited to my “don’t be sad” party. we’ll figure out when and where later.

Joy gives us wings! In times of joy our strength is more vital, our intellect keener, and our understanding less clouded. We seem better able to cope with the world and to find our sphere of usefulness. But when sadness visits us we become weak, our strength leaves us, our comprehension is dim and our intelligence veiled. The actualities of life seem to elude our grasp, the eyes of our spirits fail to discover the sacred mysteries, and we become even as dead beings.

There is no human being untouched by these two influences; but all the sorrow and the grief that exist come from the world of matter—the spiritual world bestows only the joy!

`Abdu’l-Baha, Paris Talks, pp.109-110