doberman pizza. a baha'i (bahai, bahá'í) blog.

tonight little children will go scampering about all bundled up in their autumn boots and jackets, wearing painted-on faces and reflective strips, going from door to door collecting plastic-wrapped sugar snacks. mmm… invert sugar… modified milk ingredients… glycerin.

sorry if I seem a bit overcynical… I’m just tired and I don’t have a costume :( I’m really just a sad little boy who doesn’t look like a goof… er, well, I don’t have a goofy costume, anyway.

BOO HOO HOO

um, pertinent news: I hate bills

thanks for the email dad! glad to know things are going well on your trip despite the rain. just to remind you if you guys want to stop over on your way back, I will be in Sherbrooke Saturday afternoon but I will be home on Sunday. You can call Saturday morning or anytime Sunday. I hope you’ve given my greetings to the extended family :) peace.

J’étais à Odanak dans mon rêve - une réserve autochtone près de Pierreville. C’était une journée claire. Je voyais la route principale, des bâtiments isolés le long de la route, les pôles et les câbles téléphoniques, et beaucoup de grandes herbes des couleurs d’automne - brunâtre, beige, avec un peu de vert restant. Je crois qu’il n’y avait personne. J’étais seul. Je volais vers l’est (nord-est), dans la direction de Baie-du-Febvre. J’ignore quelle était ma destination. En volant, je fis soudainement face à un mur, un grand mur bleu grisâtre, bleu de pluie. Je ne pouvais pas aller par-dessus du mur, et il me fallait passer par une porte opaque, de la même couleur. Cette porte était au niveau du sol, sur la route. En passant par la porte, je rentrais dans un petit vestibule, encore de la même couleur. Il faisait moins clair là-dedans, puisqu’il n’y avait pas de fenêtres ni de lampes. Par exemple, il me semble qu’il y avait un miroir, une table, et un petit tapis. Il y avait une autre porte opaque, identique à l’autre, à l’autre bout du petit vestibule. Je voulais ouvrir cette porte et continuer mon voyage, mais de l’autre côté de cette porte, j’entendis gronder et aboyer une bête féroce. Je ne voulais pas faire face à cette bête, alors, même que j’étais déçu, j’ai fait demi-tour, sortant du vestibule par la porte par laquelle je suis rentré.

Si vous lisez mon journal de façon régulière, vous devriez connaître la signification de ce rêve.

the first snow came today in Drummondville.

my car got its oil changed this morning and when I came back from work in the courtesy car, my little green echo was wreathed in white.

I felt a little disconnected from reality today, and I was feeling a bit lost and stuck in my work. maybe it’s because the weather was so dreary and grey. I mean, sure, snow is nice. But the best kind of snow happens when the sky is an irrepressible bright white, and it comes down in huge flocks of flakes that cover whole cities with thick, lasting blankets of innocent white. It doesn’t stick to mittens (much), but it sticks to itself well enough to make high-quality snowballs that shatter into a thousand fluffy fragments on impact. I’m digressing pretty heavily here. Maybe I’m preoccupied with something, or lots of things. I think so. I have a lot of things on my mind and I’m probably having trouble letting it all go and getting on with life.

You know, I’m coming to understand, slowly, that it’s okay to relax sometimes. Lots of you probably know I have a streak of perfectionism a mile wide, and that I often feel like I have to be doing something, otherwise I’m being lazy or useless. I often worry and waste time trying to find FRIGHTFULLY IMPORTANT things to do, you know, side projects, involvement in this and that, and superhuman feats of might and grandeur. As if I want to be all things to all people. But I’m not all things, I’m just me. I guess if being me isn’t good enough, then sure, let’s go try and be Superman. But you know what, being me isn’t all that bad. I have a lot of good things going for me, a lot of unique qualities, abilities, and special potential. Being me isn’t the perfect thing to be, but it’s still pretty freakin good.

Day by day, things are getting better.

today, we celebrated the Feast of Knowledge at my place. it was pretty fun. before everyone left, we ended up delving into a whole bunch of old archives that my parents gave (loaned?) me… old papers, compilations, workshops, various materials that were produced by the Bahá’í community back in the day, starting around 1970. Ahh, the seventies!

I gotta go to bed now. I’m happy tonight. God is doing for me what I can not do for myself. Raise up your voices in thanks and praise.

I was gonna say something more about love… you know… to round out the inner monologue I was developing earlier… but… naaahh.

have you ever felt like the more you say, the less happy you are?

i’m sick :P

being sick sucks

i hate being sick

oh well, at least I didn’t get my head chopped off.

a friend of mine sent me pictures of his newborn daughter, and I only got a chance to look at them today. what a beautiful baby. what beautiful pictures of a beautiful baby. heh. last year it was my brother’s turn, and I gained a niece. babies, babies, everywhere. it’s such a wierd twist. we were all babies once. I remember losing my baby teeth, I remember potty training, running around wildly and getting into trouble, and just looking around in wonder because the world was so big, with so many amazing things to discover. and now, my friends and family are starting to have babies. wow. time brings such crazy changes. it was the same way when lots of my friends started to get married — things change so much when you get married. it’s a new way of life. and it’s the same thing when a child comes around — it’s a new life and a new way of life.

when I was younger I remember being envious of people who “had someone”. I didn’t have a lot of good friends so I just kept on wishing I would finally find someone who would magically make me feel okay. Heh. it took me a long time to finally put a crack in that block. I ended up discovering that my problem wasn’t outside of me, it was inside of me. It was as if I wasn’t okay with being myself, as if I wasn’t enough on my own. So I had this idea, this superstition perhaps, that if I could only find someone else to be with, someone special and perfect (yeah right!), I would finally be okay. God be praised that I no longer believe that. That superstition was killing me, holding back my spiritual development and growth. Now I believe that if I’m not okay with being myself, I will never be okay with it, UNLESS I CHANGE. Nobody else can bring about that change within me. Nobody else can make me “okay”. In God’s eyes, I am okay. I know, because He told me. “Noble have I created thee.” If I don’t feel okay, it’s because I am clinging to superstitions and false beliefs about myself, beliefs that don’t concord with reality.

Someone said something at the Baha’i youth conference this weekend that struck me. I was having dinner in the cafeteria with a bunch of friends and we were talking about various things. One of the people there was talking about how she had just moved away from home to start university studies, and she said (something to the effect) that she was glad not to go searching around for a boyfriend like so many other girls, because she could take the time to live on her own and get to know herself better instead. And I was like, yeah, I can really respect that. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past year and a half, too. I think I’m really starting to get somewhere. But I have to stay focused. When I’m stressed it can be easy to fall back into the old patterns of thought, buy into the old superstitions, stop concentrating on improving myself, and start wishing someone would come and save me from myself. Just taking a few minutes to breathe quietly and reflect seems to help, though.

Anyway, this all ties together, believe it or not. Even though I’d love to get married, even though I’d love to have children, etcetera… it’s not something you jump into before being ready. I wondered for a long time what it meant to be ready. Now I know what it means. I know I will be ready, perhaps sooner, perhaps later, depending on the choices I make and the efforts I make to align myself to the will of God. And like I posted last week, I know that when I am ready, God will take care of the whole thing for me. what a bounty.

Know why it’s not something you jump into? Because around one in three marriages end in divorce and tear families apart, putting a strain on both individuals and society, not only financially and judicially, but psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because children need mothers and fathers who can give of themselves and be there, be present, and really love and care for them, rather than being wrapped up in their own troubles and unavailable to the important people in their lives. And because lots of other stuff that I’m still in the process of learning.

Like I said, this weekend was the Quebec Baha’i Youth Conference of 2003, and it was just the greatest experience. Everyone who went really seemed to have loved it to pieces and learned a great deal. What did I learn?

I learned that my way is not always the best way.

I learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I learned that Baha’i youth still have a lot to teach me.

I remember taking a personal moral growth class in high school, which included a unit on love and infatuation and the difference between the two. But I don’t think it was nearly as good as this. This was a handout given at the Harper Mountain Baha’i Workshop in the summer of ‘01.

Infatuation or Love?

Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would as soon not examine closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you, to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence, even when he/she is away. Miles do not seperate you. You want him nearer. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.

Infatuation says, “We must get married right away. I can’t risk losing him.”

Love says, “Be patient. Don’t panic. Plan your future with confidence.”

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will admit it is difficult to be in one another’s company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he’s away, you wonder if he’s cheating. Sometimes you check

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. He feels that trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you’ll regret later, but love never does.

Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

This is where I work!

I’m off to the conférence des jeunes de Québec. I hope to see you all there, otherwise, happy thanksgiving weekend ;)

There was a group of people in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three which says:

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”

This verse puzzled them and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of them offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week this man called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. He didn’t mention anything about the reason for his interest in silver beyond his curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As he watched, the silver smith held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The man thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then he thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.

He asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The man was silent for a moment. Then he asked the silver smith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?

He smiled and answered, “Oh, that’s the easy part–when I see my image reflected in it.”