life and other miracles

a friend of mine sent me pictures of his newborn daughter, and I only got a chance to look at them today. what a beautiful baby. what beautiful pictures of a beautiful baby. heh. last year it was my brother’s turn, and I gained a niece. babies, babies, everywhere. it’s such a wierd twist. we were all babies once. I remember losing my baby teeth, I remember potty training, running around wildly and getting into trouble, and just looking around in wonder because the world was so big, with so many amazing things to discover. and now, my friends and family are starting to have babies. wow. time brings such crazy changes. it was the same way when lots of my friends started to get married — things change so much when you get married. it’s a new way of life. and it’s the same thing when a child comes around — it’s a new life and a new way of life.

when I was younger I remember being envious of people who “had someone”. I didn’t have a lot of good friends so I just kept on wishing I would finally find someone who would magically make me feel okay. Heh. it took me a long time to finally put a crack in that block. I ended up discovering that my problem wasn’t outside of me, it was inside of me. It was as if I wasn’t okay with being myself, as if I wasn’t enough on my own. So I had this idea, this superstition perhaps, that if I could only find someone else to be with, someone special and perfect (yeah right!), I would finally be okay. God be praised that I no longer believe that. That superstition was killing me, holding back my spiritual development and growth. Now I believe that if I’m not okay with being myself, I will never be okay with it, UNLESS I CHANGE. Nobody else can bring about that change within me. Nobody else can make me “okay”. In God’s eyes, I am okay. I know, because He told me. “Noble have I created thee.” If I don’t feel okay, it’s because I am clinging to superstitions and false beliefs about myself, beliefs that don’t concord with reality.

Someone said something at the Baha’i youth conference this weekend that struck me. I was having dinner in the cafeteria with a bunch of friends and we were talking about various things. One of the people there was talking about how she had just moved away from home to start university studies, and she said (something to the effect) that she was glad not to go searching around for a boyfriend like so many other girls, because she could take the time to live on her own and get to know herself better instead. And I was like, yeah, I can really respect that. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past year and a half, too. I think I’m really starting to get somewhere. But I have to stay focused. When I’m stressed it can be easy to fall back into the old patterns of thought, buy into the old superstitions, stop concentrating on improving myself, and start wishing someone would come and save me from myself. Just taking a few minutes to breathe quietly and reflect seems to help, though.

Anyway, this all ties together, believe it or not. Even though I’d love to get married, even though I’d love to have children, etcetera… it’s not something you jump into before being ready. I wondered for a long time what it meant to be ready. Now I know what it means. I know I will be ready, perhaps sooner, perhaps later, depending on the choices I make and the efforts I make to align myself to the will of God. And like I posted last week, I know that when I am ready, God will take care of the whole thing for me. what a bounty.

Know why it’s not something you jump into? Because around one in three marriages end in divorce and tear families apart, putting a strain on both individuals and society, not only financially and judicially, but psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because children need mothers and fathers who can give of themselves and be there, be present, and really love and care for them, rather than being wrapped up in their own troubles and unavailable to the important people in their lives. And because lots of other stuff that I’m still in the process of learning.

Like I said, this weekend was the Quebec Baha’i Youth Conference of 2003, and it was just the greatest experience. Everyone who went really seemed to have loved it to pieces and learned a great deal. What did I learn?

I learned that my way is not always the best way.

I learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I learned that Baha’i youth still have a lot to teach me.

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