doberman pizza. a baha'i (bahai, bahá'í) blog.

and a happy new year

Happy Naw-ruz, all you friendly people. It’s a new year with all its attendant joy and glad-tidings.

One year ago today, I drove up from Ottawa to Victoriaville through a nasty snowstorm. I remember people thought I had chosen to stay home because of the weather, but no, I had completely ignored the weather and made the arduous trek through the blinding expanse of white. I remember the first place I stopped when I entered town was the very library I happen to be in right now (when I started writing this, at about 3:30 PM). I guess I just saw the pretty sign outside and said “Hey, this looks like a good place to stop”. Eventually, after driving around town for a while, I ended up at a payphone outside a Tim Horton’s, calling the people I was supposed to stay with because I had somehow misplaced their address (either that, or I didn’t have a map). Eventually, through the curtains of snow, I found the place, and I met Maurice and Marcelle, two really great people and really kind souls. Jolly people, too, who have a strong sense of family and love a good laugh. I stayed at their place on rue Rouleau for about a month after I moved to Victoriaville for good on April 8th.

The first week I was here, I had brought very little. Basically, it was a suitcase full of clothes, a suit, and a bag full of resumés, newspapers, and the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh. Oh, and a journal. The week or so I was here in March was action-packed. I was roaming here and there around town, walking into people’s businesses and asking if they needed to hire anybody. I literally was. My dad told me he did this a few times when he was younger, too. I think it worked, too. Unfortunately, not in my case. It took me a while to find work. All the while, I was attending Bahá’í activities, including the Naw-ruz party on the 23rd — two days after I arrived — and a few other things. On the 27th, I met Sylvie Gendron (my current landlady) at a presentation where they were screening a movie about the civil war in Guatemala. Sylvie is very active in social-justice causes, ecological and environmental causes, supports fair trade and organic farming, and many other such causes. It’s quite inspiring to see someone who believes in something so strongly and makes a point to act on it. That’s how heroes are made, you know. Acting to better the world.

And on the 28th of March, I drove off in my dad’s old Mazda to Montréal, to attend the Bahá’í Youth Conference about the book Century of Light (which is a great book). That was a nice drive. I left around noon and was somehow convinced that it was absolutely essential for me to be there at 2 PM, which was when registration started. But then, I decided to get lost in the countryside, thinking I could find a shortcut. Then I started to smell strange fumes from under my hood and I realized that I had no coolant left, so I put a whole bunch of coolant in without mixing it with water. Then the smell started to get more and more wack, and basically, I ended up driving halfway to Drummondville praying that the car wouldn’t suddenly die or burst into flames on the highway, or that I wouldn’t choke to death. Things went okay up till I got to Montreal, where I missed my exit. Instead of taking the exit onto the 20, I went through the tunnel and then somehow ended up on rue Sherbrooke. I thought, okay, this road takes me from one end of the island to the other, why not? Sure, but I had to wait for the stop lights. I got impatient and turned off into Westmount trying to find another shortcut. The speed limit in Westmount is around 30. (’nuff said.) By some miracle, I found my way back to a highway and continued my journey to Pierrefonds (quite a detour eh?). When I reached the Louis-Bourgeois Bahá’í Center I was practically on my knees singing Hallelujah. I ran up to the first person I recognized and hugged him. And of course, the rest of the conference was phat too.

The thing I remember the most about starting my year of service was how utterly unprepared I was. It was as if the gravity of my choice to move to Victoriaville completely escaped me. I didn’t change my driver’s license (until the grace period expired, in june), I didn’t change my health card (until I got sick, in july), I never found a serious job until the end of august… and it wasn’t just being physically unprepared, it was being spiritually unprepared as well. I knew I would go through some extremely trying times, but again, the gravity of it all never hit me. I was never fully conscious of what exactly would happen. Maybe that was a good thing, though — maybe if I’d known, I wouldn’t have wanted to go through with it.

Gah. The tests. First, there was the adjustment to living away from family, in a different town, province, and culture. Then, there was not being sure how much longer I would have a roof over my head. I was shuffling from house to house at one point until I finally moved into Jacinthe’s basement. Next, there were all the cards and papers that I had to change. Then there was my dwindling savings and wondering whether I would be able to afford to live. I had a website contract, and I was picking cucumbers for a while, but man… cucumbers? For a living? Anyway. I cycled through three jobs in quick succession until I finally decided to get serious and look for a real job through a job search club. That was a really big test. It had to do with self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I basically had to put on my cleats, metaphorically, and eventually it paid off with a job — thank God — which I’m just about to finish. And then… there were the cars. THIS WAS THE WORST. First to go was the Mazda, after I tried to get it plated with Québec license plates and it got a big fat F for all the major structural failure it had. So then I brought my sister’s car down and started to drive that. Then just before the new year, I had an accident and totaled it. Gaaaaaahhh. That was perhaps the biggest test of them all, combining shock, loss, remorse at busting up someone else’s car, remorse at busting up such a nice car, and lots of other mental trauma that just isn’t real nice to go through. Anyway, you know what I mean. Eventually I got over it, though I do still have adrenaline flashbacks. Anyway, then I started driving around in a courtesy car (thanks to the cushy insurance), which was okay. Eventually I had to return it though, and borrowed THE K-CAR. The K-Car was doing fine until I took it to Montreal, at which point the seal on the engine popped off and I started to run on no oil. At which point, well, I stopped running. That gave me a nice big seven-hour day that I had to make up for the rest of my contract, along with the other seven-hour day I burned picking up my insurance check in Sherbrooke. So anyway, bang went the K-Car, upon which I just started taking Taxibus to work — and that was until I got so fed up that I just went over to Toyota and leased a vehicle, the nifty green Toyota Echo that’s sitting in the driveway right now, and which everybody loves. Count the cars, friends! One, two, three, four, five! Five cars, in less than five months! Ha ha ha ha ha!

There were times when the only thing that kept me sane was prayer, and this blog of course. In the first month or so after I came here I was so lonely. Victoriaville is wilderness compared to Ottawa. Plus, all the people I knew, almost every support network I had (besides the Bahá’ís) was suddenly swept away just like that. Sometimes it seemed like I had nothing but prayers.

In order to understand this better, you should know that I was always a very shy kid who didn’t relate well with others. Perhaps part of this was because my family life wasn’t always very happy when I was young. We had our difficulties, like many families do, and I think it was probably worse than most people get. So I always had a lot of things on my mind and kept my feelings deep inside me. I had few people to open up to and few people to trust. So when I came to this wilderness where I had nothing to hang on to, it forced me to either open up to the others around me, or die. That was very difficult for me. In many ways, it still is difficult for me to open up like that, and I suffer because of that difficulty. Many times over the past year, I’ve felt crushed by these tests and difficulties and that has led me to act less than I otherwise could. I’ve gone into action, sure — but in familiar ways. I’ve served on Bahá’í committees. I’ve offered study circles. I’ve offered people rides back from meetings. Great! That’s better than nothing. But God knows I could do more. I could host prayer meetings. I love prayers, and besides, I’ve held prayer meetings before — what’s stopping me? I could teach children’s classes. I love kids — what’s stopping me? I could invite people to my place for tea. I could teach them about the Bahá’í Faith. I could offer people a hand with shoveling the walk. I could bring my favourite dish to a potluck. Sometimes I see that people are feeling something that’s hurting them. I could ask them if they want to talk about it. I could listen and help them deal with the tough feelings we all have sometimes. I’ve been through lots of those feelings. Sometimes I wonder when they’ll pass, but I know they always do. They always pass. I could share my hope with people who are despairing. I could share my strength with people who are weak. I could share my experience with people who might not even know what’s coming around the corner. I could start a volunteer organization or a sharing circle or something. I could feed the cat. I could feed someone else’s cat. I could invite my friends to events that are important to me. I could let them into my life. I could participate in their lives, too. I could share my life with other people. I could share my time with them without expecting there to be some grandiose purpose behind it — just to be there, you know? Just to listen to whatever they have to say, no matter what it is, and to ask them to explain it if I don’t understand what in the world they’re talking about, instead of clamming up and sort of sitting by the sidelines wondering what I could say. I could laugh. I could show how interested I am in their lives. I could buy them a cup of coffee. I could encourage someone to go for what they want. I could encourage someone to believe in themselves. I could help guide people to the light of truth. I could share the water of life with them. I could help them transform their whole lives. I could change a whole town, and uplift a whole continent.

And nobody can tell me I can’t, either, because I just happened to have slipped a few things in there that I already have done in the past. So there, I can do it. And I can do it again. I guess my style is getting a bit too melodramatic, maybe I should simmer down ;) I don’t know. I’m just pissed off at myself. I know this is going to make my family email me (or call me) and tell me not to be too hard on myself, but I’ve got a right to be pissed off at myself because in order to effect change, first you have to want to change. And I’m scared of change. I don’t want to be, but that’s the way it is. And maybe if I get pissed off enough from not changing… I’ll change ;) Of course it entails prayer and knowledge and effort and will. Okay, okay, so just let me be pissed off for a while, I like it :D

But I bring this back to the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh — in the Long Obligatory Prayer (one of three prayers Bahá’ís choose from to recite daily), we read:

O Lord of all being and Possessor of all things visible and invisible! Thou dost perceive my tears and the sighs I utter, and hearest my groaning, and the lamentation of my heart. My trespasses have kept me back from drawing nigh unto Thee, and my sins have held me far from the court of Thy holiness. Thy love, O my Lord, hath enriched me, and separation from Thee hath destroyed me, and remoteness from Thee hath consumed me.

When I look back at my life and see how far I’ve come, I have to admit, I’ve made progress. But it’s clear as day that I could have made so much more. What stopped me from reaching out and taking my portion of the ocean of God’s grace? Who is it that kept me back? Who held me far from His court? It’s me. I did it, because I was afraid to go that far. I was afraid because I was trying to do things I had never done before, and I didn’t believe I could do it, and I panicked. And what lamentation now that I look back and see how far I could have gone! What groaning, and tears, and sighs! If only I had believed in myself and in all the assurances of victory and confirmation! I might be a thousand times richer, a thousand leagues closer to God than I am today! Who knows. Maybe I might have saved someone’s life!

Perhaps I am being a bit hard on myself. But perhaps I need it. It’s better than making nothing out of my life and yet pretending that I’m all nice and righteous.

One day at a time. It’s just that some days you have to face the music. Bring thyself to account, before thou art summoned to a reckoning.

(i wrote this last night)

yo ho ho. so what’s up? well, the study circle in Ruhi Book 2 I was supposed to tutor in Drummondville on saturday got cancelled due to widespread sickness and scheduling conflicts, but I ended up coming to Drummondville anyway to have dinner and (unbeknownst to me) get trampled by rowdy kids. That was fun. I love kids, especially uppity kids. And it seems as if they love me, because practically every time I leave after hanging around with kids, they beg me to stay. That’s the kind of thing that makes you feel good about yourself. :)

I was thinking something really cool recently. Maybe it was because of hanging around with the kids. I was thinking back to the words of Bahá’u'lláh, where He says “Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value”. Imagine how beautiful and harmonious the world would be if everybody treated everybody else as if they were a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. They’d never criticize them or get angry at them or squelch them, they’d just search and be patient, waiting for that gem to shine out from around all the rocks. Now, one of the ways we can look at that quote is in terms of children’s education (which we do in Book 3 of the Ruhi series). But something suddenly got into my head as I was driving one day, and I thought, hey, this applies to one’s relationship to oneself as well. If you’ve read this blog thoroughly, you know that I have an unfortunate perfectionist streak a mile wide. It’s one of those “vain imaginings” that everybody talks about and everybody wants to get free of. What’s the vain imagining? That I, being human (and by nature imperfect), could feel like I was a judge of perfection. My name is Hebrew for “God is my judge”. What right have I to judge myself? Or anyone, for that matter? That right rests with God alone. Anyway, I digress. When I let the judgements drop and just interact with myself in a detached, spiritual, and positive way, I find gems. I find beautiful parts of myself that I can work to improve. There’s not just faults and imperfections in me, you know. There’s a lot of strengths, gifts, and talents, too. People aren’t just rocks to be tossed around, that’s the lesson. Look a little below the surface, be patient and positive, and you’ll find some amazing things.

the 3cj had a pretty nice (albeit small) meeting on sunday morning. For a small meeting, it was still pretty good, and I felt it was productive. I don’t know why I find these meetings to be so much fun. I think it’s just been a long time since I’ve had any interaction with Bahá’í youth my age. For the past year I’ve been serving alongside great people and I’ve learned incredible things about service, but, I don’t know, there’s something special about youth. It’s a different feeling, a different dynamic. I understand youth. I relate to youth. It’s so different being around people who are going through the same things in life as you are — learning how to live, how to integrate into society, how to balance work, school, leisure, and service; thinking about getting a good job, about dating and marriage, about searching for apartments, about, well, about creating an identity for oneself I guess. That’s what’s so wonderful about youth. We’re in the process of creating this identity for ourselves and no one really knows where it will go. And we have the honour of choosing to include service to God and to humanity into this identity. One of the things that will undoubtedly be part of my identity all my life is pioneering. It comes from having parents who were pioneers, I guess. My mom and dad moved from place to place in the seventies, helping teach the Bahá’í Faith and establish Bahá’í communities all over Quebec. Identity. This is who I am, a pioneer. Someone who gets up and goes and trusts in God. Not that I’ve got trust in God down pat, but I’m definitely getting there. Anyway, I digress again. I missed being with youth. And of course there’s the social aspect as well. It’s fun to hang around people my age.

Anyway, back to the meeting. I got to take a detour through Montréal-Nord on my way home to drop someone off. That was cool. There’s a pretty, um, imposing mountain of dirty snow there. I was impressed.

And after all that, I came back home to Victoriaville and started singing with the gospel choir. It was the day-long practice run today. I ran out of breath after a while. I think I was singing almost nonstop for over five hours there :P Either that or I need to do some breath work to develop my lungs.

I think I need to talk more with my friends about the Bahá’í Faith. I’m too quiet.

I think I need to talk more in general. I tend to clam up a lot.

I think I need to be more open to other people, too. People say some amazing things sometimes, and all too often I just let those amazing things slip by without jumping on them and confirming them in some way. It’s all about the art of conversation. And you don’t learn the art of conversation if you don’t have conversations!

hey you out there, talk to me! and don’t let up until I talk back!

Man. Where am I going with all this? Well, when I left I was pretty tired from singing. There won’t be another practice for a while, due to general business, and that means that the next time I come to a practice, it’ll involve driving down from Drummondville.

Anyway, Monday was a quiet day at work. Today, on the other hand, was a pretty active day — I was preparing for a meeting tomorrow afternoon, which I’ll be animating. Yay! That’ll be fun. About fifteen people or so are scheduled to come from around the area. It’ll be a little like a reflection meeting; we’ll talk about what we’ve done so far, where we’re going, and what we intend to do to get there.

I spent my lunch break talking about food instead of having lunch, since I’m still fasting. That wasn’t my doing, though. We were making jokes about how everyone always seems to talk about food during lunch. And then we kept on talking about food, which drew more laughs. But then somehow the conversation swerved and turned to penis size and circumcisions. Which drew even more laughs, and some cringing. Is that normal lunchtime conversation for groups of married women? Well, I guess it’s a subject just like any other. And it’s probably better than bellybutton lint. Well… enh, forget it.

And finally, tomorrow morning I’ll be moseying on down to Drummondville to sign a lease for the apartment I saw last Thursday. Whereupon I’ll have a place to stay. That’ll be great! I guess I jumped on this apartment pretty quick, but hey, it’s nice. I keep on wondering whether there’s a catch, you know, whether there’s still a chance that someone else might edge me out of it. Well, we’ll see. Everything is in God’s hands. Even the benjamins.

On that note, peace.

sunday morning

ohhhh sweet! angle brackets!

I’m at Nick & Claire’s place, in Montreal. There’s a 3CJ meeting later on today, just down the street at Peggah’s house. and then I vamoose back to Victoriaville to sing. woohoo!

cat on bed

(i wrote this last night)

I’ve been staring at screens all day. I’m sure that’s not good. Oh well. I guess for now, that’s my lot in life. Of course, if I really wanted to, I could go out and take a walk. Hey, now, that’s not a bad idea. I think I’ll go do that.

one walk later…

wow, that was fun. and I got some good exercise tromping through all that snow. I haven’t done that in a long time. I think I needed it. only thing now is, I have a headache. blah. well, that’s nothing a little lemon and honey won’t cure.

so what news? well, I signed papers for a credit check for my new apartment today, and faxed it off to Drummondville, where the SECRET AGENT real estate agent will take care of sending it off. then, if all goes well, I’ll receive an invitation to come up and sign a lease. then I’ll have an apartment, yeehaw! I’ll keep you all posted on that tip.

man am i tired. that’s why I’ve got all these headaches. I’m just gonna go to bed. forget all those emails. I’ll take care of them tomorrow. got to sleep…

the story so far

well, fun fun fun! I’m feeling now. things are starting to go in my efforts to establish myself in Drummondville. Yesterday I dropped in at the Cégep to hand in a resumé, and I also took some to talk with one of the teachers in the IT department. That was . After that, since I was in town, I went to see some apartments near the Cégep. They were pretty . I really liked one of them, and I back to see if I could put my name in for it. I left a , so hopefully they’ll get back to me today.

Later, during the , I popped by Marc and Nicole Lachance’s house, where they had invited a Bahá’í family from London (Ontario) for dinner. They play (really well, too); during the they performed at the restaurant in a local supermarket. Too bad I missed that. Anyway, there was , , and when the night was over they took a of everyone together.

was that good?

oh well, that’s what you get when you don’t get enough sleep. I tired myself out and got sick. That means I probably won’t be fasting today. It feels kind of wierd, even though it’s quite clear in the Kitáb-i-Aqdas that the sick are exempted from fasting. Actually, I was quite amazed when I read the part where it specifically talks about that. The wording is “In time of ill-health it is not permissible” to fast. Wow. God wants us to take care of ourselves. There it is.

I don’t like not fasting during this period because I feel it cheats me of the bounties and blessings that are reserved for those who are fasting. But still, it’s clear that nobody’s going to get much bounty if they’re sick and they don’t drink water. They’ll just get dry and more sick. And besides, countless bounties are reserved for those who arise to assist His Cause, right?

Heh. Another case of “I want things to go my way”, I guess. Maybe if I’d just shut up and arise, I wouldn’t have to worry about not fasting ;)

hello all you people. this is the pre-dawn edition of my blog. today is the start of day 7 of fasting for Bahá’ís. I’ve also been clued in to the fact that Lent started on Tuesday (Mardi Gras isn’t just an excuse to get drunk and/or naked).

what’s on the pre-fast breakfast menu today?

• hard-boiled egg

• toast
• grapefruit
• granola
• cranberry juice

Have you ever tasted Vegemite? It’s nice. Well, it is an acquired taste. It’s yeast extract, and you can eat it on toast, for example. it tastes salty. Anyway, I love it. Craig, a Bahá’í pioneer who moved to Victoriaville from Australia with his wife and kid in September, introduced me to it. The first time I tasted it, I was pretty shocked and wondering what in the world I had just put into my mouth. But I guarantee that you deserve to give it a try. It’s high in B vitamins!

Interesting side note: Sydney Opera House…Bahá’í House of Worship in New Delhi

i keep crashing every time i try to add something to my blog. hello, everyone. I’m coming to you from Warwick tonight. I’m actually at work — and about to leave, because I’m tired and my back is killing me.

the fast started on sunday morning and so far it’s going well. I have been pretty scatterbrained lately though. I’m told this is normal. Maybe I should buy eggs on the way home. it’s going to be a bit hard to do a whole lot of cooking in the mornings, though, given that my landlady would rather not be woken up at 5 AM to listen to me open cupboards and use the toaster. I can understand that. I feel blessed to be a deep sleeper. I even slept through an accident that happened friday morning in the intersection just down the street. a van ran into a fire engine. high speed collision. the guy in the fire engine was killed — no seatbelt. that was a real bummer. think about it… someone was killed just down the street as i slept. it’s creepy. nobody should have to die that way. which is just another reason for me (and everybody) to drive more safely :P

hmm. work is going very well. things are really starting to happen now. I’m wrapping up my computer classes at the Golden Agers’ Club, and work is advancing on several other projects. All in all, things are doing all right and I think I should be able to make up all my time and get all my goals achieved.

on friday I went up to Montréal for my first meeting of the 3CJ. Lots of people were missing, unfortunately, but we had a good time anyway and I took back a bunch of work (people to contact, and so forth). Look at all this. I wonder if I would ever have been able to do this stuff before. I mean, I used to be deathly afraid of using the phone to call people. Now I’m just nutty telephone and email man. I call people quite often as part of my work and it’s no longer a problem. Anyway, I digress. The meeting was at the Commensal, a vegetarian restaurant :) :) :) that’s just down the street from McGill. It’s just like the Green Door in Ottawa. What did we do? A lot of consultation and speaking in french and english. man. I’ve never been to a meeting where everyone was consulting in french and english. One person talks in french, the other responds in english, the whole thing goes off without a hitch and everybody’s cool with it. I LOVE BEING BILINGUAL. it is just so cool to know more than one language. It makes me feel so open and in touch with everybody.

Oh, and after the meeting, I dropped by the Pardis residence on Lorne St. for a phat Ayyám-i-Há party. Quite nice. I like celebrating Ayyám-i-Há. I’m not much for planning things for holidays or celebrations, but I do love parties. Anyway, a whole bunch of people I know were there; people from McGill, Université de Montréal, and various other universities in Montréal. I got to catch up with a bunch of people. I even met Olinga Walker, who had apparently just flown in from French Guyana. Olinga was staying in Victoriaville a while back, before I came here. I had never met him before, and it was cool to meet him. He had a nice tan.

Oh, and saturday morning there was a sleighride in Victoriaville, at once to celebrate the Feast and to celebrate Ayyám-i-Há. That was real cool. We had these horses pulling us around in the snow, with a St. Bernard jollily running after us, barking merrily every now and then. We sang Québécois songs and revelled. Then we drank hot chocolate. A good day!

Today, I called around for apartments in Drummondville, and made an appointment to go see one next Saturday morning, at 10 AM. It’s in an apartment block in the St-Jean-Baptiste quarter. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.