i’ve got a secret

and i’m not telling you guys what it is until I hear back from the Conseil bahá’í du Québec. In the meantime you can just wonder.

what? where am i?

good afternoon. I got myself stuck in Montreal for the day because the K-Car sprung an oil leak. I just called the garage and they say they fixed it, so I’ll be popping on down there as soon as my oatmeal‘s done. I’m at Nick and Claire’s place, and the garage isn’t all that far, just a bus trip away.

I think this is a serious incentive for me to look for a NEW CAR.

Man. when are all the crazy things going to stop happening? when I stop living a crazy life, I guess.

oh well… sometimes things just happen that way and you can’t do much about them, except learn from them so that they don’t happen the next time.

peace out!

busy day

hello. today’s a busy day! I’m working at home this morning, developing websites. (woohoo!) after lunch, I’ll head off to Thetford Mines for a meeting with the regional coordinator for the CAP program (which I’m working on); I might also stop by to say hello to some people in Thetford Mines, if there’s time. Later tonight I’ll be off to Montreal, as Ruhi book 6 starts this weekend!

wow. and I haven’t gone crazy yet? I must be adjusting to this lifestyle. as usual, I just have to be careful that I don’t suffer a nervous breakdown.

I think it helps to express the things I feel, you know. It lets off steam. If I didn’t admit it when I was feeling bad, I’d still feel bad. If I just put it out there in the open like that, then at least it’s out of me, it’s just this normal feeling that people feel and it’s not this thing I keep hidden inside me that stresses me out even though I don’t want to say it stresses me out. It’s a feeling, people feel them all the time.

sometimes you can’t help but feel sad. and what I need to know right now, what I need to learn and really accept, is that feeling sad is all right, and so is feeling angry, and feeling scared, and feeling annoyed, and feeling in love, and feeling whatever else. they’re just feelings. they pass, and feeling them and talking about them helps them pass easier.

not often you see a guy talking about these things huh?

oh by the way, in case you’re wondering, I’m downloading someone’s website with FTP, and it’s taking a while. that’s why I’m sitting here typing this. otherwise I would be working on something terribly important. I guess that’s a pretty poor excuse. oh well. I’d rejoin something terribly sarcastic but I am typing this for polite company 😉

faults in others faults in me

more imperfections, more faults, it’s just making me sick, sick, sick, the feeling i get when i look at the faults of others just makes me sick. my own faults are enough. why do i need to see those of others? why not let them deal with their own stuff? leave me alone, negative voice. get out of my head and go get counselling somewhere.

this negative voice haunts me. it calls me names whenever I do something that isn’t quite right. nothing I ever do is good enough. negative voice, why don’t you ever say good things about me? there are a lot of good things about me to talk about. why must you always focus on my faults?

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to be aware of one’s own faults – that’s the rice and légumes of day-to-day existence, to become aware of your own faults and to work to correct them with determination, patience, love, effort, forbearance and compassion.

but there is a line to be crossed between being aware of one’s faults and discouraging oneself with them! In no part of the Writings does anyone say “you should get so hung up on your faults and weaknesses that you become unable to believe in yourself”! On the contrary. Whenever you read what Shoghi Effendi or the Universal House of Justice wrote, or what ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’u’lláh, or the Báb wrote, it’s always about arising to serve humanity, casting aside fear, leaving behind the attachments of this world, and doing the best you possibly can with what you have.

negative voice, I know that you can serve a useful purpose in my life, but you need to be tempered or else you’ll destroy me!

if you have a spare moment, utter a prayer for me and my negative voice. pray that we might end up a little more positive.

A while back, a good friend of mine told me I always seemed so positive, that I always seemed able to look on the bright side. I always try to project positivity in my life. But often I don’t feel positive. And I’m learning that that’s okay. There are good times and bad times in life, and it’s okay to shed a tear every now and then. And I certainly have shed tears in this past year. If no one else, God will forgive me. And he’s got a nice big shoulder to cry on.

Metaphysically speaking, of course…

ruhi and cabs

well that was a nice weekend. I took some time to hang around and get some work done on various personal projects of mine, sent email, called people up, and so on and so forth. it feels good to get stuff done. I took the liberty of calling up one of the prospective participants in the upcoming Ruhi book 2 circle in Victoriaville and working with her to establish a schedule for it. Also, I read through the introduction of the book — entitled “To the collaborators” — and took down notes on how to present particular sections, possible questions to ask, activities that could be included in the learning process, and so forth. There’s going to be an interesting few months coming up. The Bahá’ís of two communities — Victoriaville and Drummondville — have asked me to facilitate Ruhi book 2 (Arising to Serve), so I might have to make quite a few trips. I’m going to think about it and see how it’ll work logistically. I wonder if we could merge the two circles into one. We’ll see. Either way, it’s quite exciting to be giving this book; I’ve already taken it, um, three times, so it should be nice to offer it to others 😉

oh, and the cabs part? well, my car’s temporary license plate ran out,so I had to take a cab to work today. oh what fun it is to ride in a four-door Chevrolet.


funny dream

oh yeah, and I meant to mention this dream I had yesterday morning. I don’t remember too much of it anymore, but what I do remember is Ayafor (who, in case you don’t know, is a Bahá’í originally from Cameroon who went to Ottawa University and who I lived with for one summer, and who just recently had to go back to Cameroon because of visa problems) — anyway, Ayafor with big, curly hair with light brown highlights. Kind of like Scary Spice.

Draw your own conclusions.