fear and weakness, courage and strength

the longer i stay here in this strange town in the middle of the forest with very few job prospects and little security, the more people tell me how much courage and strength i have. and it’s true. this is taking all the courage and strength that i have… much of which i didn’t know i had.

i’m afraid. i’m scared. i don’t know what my next step will be sometimes. every now and then i get into this state of mind where i’m just not sure what’s going to happen, and it’s not even that evident that i have any safety net at all… where do i go? what do i do? what am i doing here anyway? who am i? where am i? why am i here? dear God, what in the world am i doing here? why did you put me here in this place, in semi-rural Quebec, surrounded by trees and cows? i have a B.Sc. in computer science… why did you put me here in this hunk of farmland?

in a way i can answer that question for myself. i am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. nothing else matters. not whether i like His will or understand His will or agree with His will or feel like carrying out His will or anything like that. none of that matters. I am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. He has put me here to change my fear into courage, to change my weakness into strength, to change my abasement into exaltation, to bring me from shame to grace. that’s what I’m doing here. Through His grace I will come to realize that He is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

after all, I sure as hell wouldn’t have put myself out on this pile of rocks.

no offense intended, of course. it’s really quite a nice town 😉

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