the longer i stay here in this strange town in the middle of the forest with very few job prospects and little security, the more people tell me how much courage and strength i have. and it’s true. this is taking all the courage and strength that i have… much of which i didn’t know i had.
i’m afraid. i’m scared. i don’t know what my next step will be sometimes. every now and then i get into this state of mind where i’m just not sure what’s going to happen, and it’s not even that evident that i have any safety net at all… where do i go? what do i do? what am i doing here anyway? who am i? where am i? why am i here? dear God, what in the world am i doing here? why did you put me here in this place, in semi-rural Quebec, surrounded by trees and cows? i have a B.Sc. in computer science… why did you put me here in this hunk of farmland?
in a way i can answer that question for myself. i am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. nothing else matters. not whether i like His will or understand His will or agree with His will or feel like carrying out His will or anything like that. none of that matters. I am here to surrender to God and to do His bidding. He has put me here to change my fear into courage, to change my weakness into strength, to change my abasement into exaltation, to bring me from shame to grace. that’s what I’m doing here. Through His grace I will come to realize that He is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
after all, I sure as hell wouldn’t have put myself out on this pile of rocks.
no offense intended, of course. it’s really quite a nice town 😉
hey people, woohoo it’s snowing 🙂 I love snow. it’s melting when it hits the ground tho. I’m hanging around at Benoit + Constance’s place, and the kids in the schoolyard across the street are roaming around under colourful umbrellas, talking about the sorts of things kids talk about. kids are great. i love kids.
I’m feeling a little existential right now. so many things i used to think and feel and believe are slowly crumbling into dust, and slowly being replaced with new concepts, new behaviours, new manners of thinking and acting. i’m not the same person i once was, and i never again will be. over the past seven months i’ve become aware of so many parts of myself that I had no idea ever existed. and i’ve reached a point of no return that says, hey boy, now that you have this new awareness, you’re never going to lose it, and now you have no choice but to act in accordance with this new awareness. if you ignore and put away the things you’ve learned, you deny yourself and your Lord, and your life becomes meaningless. I have to change my life. I have to live in accordance with what I have learned, without hesitation, without reservation. it’s quite a task to take on.
Arrggh razzen frazzen french keyboard layout. Anyway, I went and had a nice group info session with Manon from Accès-Travail, and signed up to a job research club. Yay! Hopefully this way I can put some effort into gaining skills and experience in the job market. Gotta learn how to sell myself well, how to be efficient. I’m glad I can do this right now… I think I’ve really needed it and I just never took the chance to do it before I left university. too bad, but hey, that’s in the past. right now I just know I’m taking care of myself and giving myself something that I really needed. Man, I could use some potatoes right about now. French fries. Mmmmm. I want french fries.