figuring out this stuff

This is kind of on the same thread as my last post. I’ve been doing some pretty intensive thinking of late. Way back when I started my year of service I made an agreement with myself: I am not going to start any new romantic relationships until the year is up. This is my time to serve God, and to come to know myself and understand myself better so that, when I eventually do find someone I’m interested in, I have something to work with. I had realized that much of my life was spent without examining myself. Well, that’s not completely true. I definitely criticized myself and got all down about my faults, but I never did anything to better myself. I think it all started to change the moment I was willing to admit when I was wrong. I never used to like admitting that. It sucks when you’re wrong, right? Sure. But sometimes life sucks. And life sucks even worse when you won’t even consider that you could be doing something in a better way. That was what I needed to consider for myself (and not for others, of course — Bahá’u’lláh doesn’t condemn fault-finding for nothing).

So, yeah, back to relationships. I bet most of you didn’t know that about me. Yeah, I’m taking it easy from girlfriends for the whole year. Gonna find myself out in the woods! Seriously though, I realized that the more I kept looking for someone, which I would do with way too little detachment, the less I would be inclined to work on my own problems. And there are problems, boy, there’s filing cabinets full! Everyone’s got their own, right? Anyway, trying to scout around for a girlfriend was almost a way of escaping my responsibility to know my own self, to deal with these things that are sticking around in my subconscious.

I wonder if any of you actually knew I was looking for a girlfriend before. I practically never mentioned it. That was another one of those things that I bottled up, again probably because I grew up thinking it wasn’t okay to talk about.

Once, me and a couple of friends were hanging out and we started talking about dating. I felt totally out of my element because I never talked about that sort of thing. That was the first time I realized there was something up with that. Anyway, one of them said, what good is it to wait in silence, trying to figure out whether you like someone before you ask them out on a date? Wouldn’t it be a whole lot better to do that figuring out with the other person, so that you could both have the opportunity to figure each other out? I remember thinking, hmm. That seems to make sense. I guess I would do that if I felt it was okay to talk about dating, right?

Talking about this feels a little bit wierd, understandably, but as I go on, it’ll become less and less wierd, until finally it ain’t no thing.

You know, (on an unrelated subject), the down side about working at the coffeeshop is that when I come home, my clothes all smell like roasted coffee beans. It REEKS.

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