une peur de vivre

a quiet day today, but I did go out and pick up photos of our newly-formed assembly. they were done pretty quick this time (next day… not 1-hour, but hey, quicker than last time).

I don’t know how often people talk about things like this, but I’m getting the feeling of being far from God. and it scares me.

Do you know what it means to be far from God? I look at it this way: I see God as, among other things, a source of absolute wisdom, mercy and power. God is the one who makes everything run right. It’s up to us to accept or refuse the guidance of the Manifestations of God, because we have been given the capacity to make that choice. Man plans, and God plans, but God is the best of planners. God is also the only one who can understand how the whole thing works. Man will always fall short, because his capacity to understand that which he is a part of is limited to his tiny view of the world. Consider a piston in an engine. It just goes up and down, that’s all it knows. It couldn’t understand — if it indeed could understand anything — that it’s in an engine which drives a car, the purpose of which is to drive a human from point A to point B so it can get its work done. It just lives its life, going up and down. Similarly we live our lives, with its ups and downs. The difference is that we make choices that we think will make our lives run right, because we have that gift of choice. But due to our limited understanding, we don’t really know what will make our lives run right, we just think we know what we need, at the moment. For example, we may think we need to kick someone’s ass, because we need that at the moment. Well, the reality is that that would probably be a stupid thing to do. That extends to planning for the future, too. Anyway, I digress. The point is that we make plans, because we think we know how to make things run right. But only God really knows how to run things right, because the rest of us are inside the machine, trapped by our limited understanding. I started to experience this wierd effect when I decided to start discovering hope, faith, and trust in God. Wierd, inexplicable things happen when you let go of your will and put it in the hands of a Higher Power like that. Things start to work, and you don’t know why. They just work, gloriously well, and things start to happen that make you do doubletakes.

When you’ve experienced this feeling, you start to realize being close to God is a good idea, because it means your life runs more smoothly. So when I talk about being far from God, I mean that I am in a position where I feel I have lost that trust in God, for whatever reason, and I would prefer to follow my own will. And I’m scared, because I know from years of messing up that my will isn’t much good. I feel wrapped up in myself, unable to reach out, held back by my vain belief that I have a plan that is better than God’s.

Please note, once again, that I am not talking about the guy with the long white beard, I am talking about an unknowable essence that words will forever fail to describe, due to the finite capacity of the human brain, but about whom we have been permitted to know through the agency of those Manifestations, the Universal Educators of humanity, such as Bahá’u’lláh, Jesus, Muhammad, Moses, Buddha, etc.

You know, all of a sudden, I’m not blowing my nose anymore, whereas I have been for the past two weeks almost. I wonder what’s going on here.

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